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The High School Reunion/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man who never changes... ... His shirt -- your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) thank you -- by golly! Thank you very much. A lot of excitement this week. Possum lake high school is having a huge reunion. Again? They tried last summer and hardly anybody showed up. They put a stupid condition on last year's reunion. It was for graduates only. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. That's fine -- yes dear, yes. Ah. All right, bye, yeah, bye... Bye, bye, bye, bye. Bernice is really getting carried away with this high school reunion I'll tell ya she's getting her hair done over at margot's house because she's got the flowbee and she's even gonna get a new dress -- a sleeveless number. Ooo-ooo wants to show off her figure, eh? No, the sleeves cost more. (audience laughing) and she's not the only one getting spiffed up there's been a big run on support hose and girdels -- the hardware store is completely sold out. Where you gonna get yours then uncle red? (laughing) I don't need that stuff harold. I accept myself the way I am and I welcome others to accept me the way I am. Well that's very healthy that's a very confident attitude, healthy attitude especially from a man who wears hats to hide his bald spot. It's not a bald spot. It's a solar panel for my electric personality. Ohhh! Bald spot. You only have so many male hormones. If you want to use yours to grow hair, that's your business. (audience laughing) how would you like a bald spot where your nose was? As I was saying, other than thinning hair, I look exactly the way I did when I graduated from high school. He should -- it was only six years ago. (laughing) (red): Got a real production on "adventures with bill". Got a three-parter on weight-lifting. Bill's gonna do a bench press. He was just called to the bar. I've been called to the bar-- you always want to have a spotter to get the weight up. Bring that down to your chest, bill. Bring it down... No. I wouldn't-- oh, my gosh. Oh, boy. You kids at home be careful. When you drop a weight on your chest... What's going on? Oh, for gosh sakes -- look, ma, no hands! Ow! ♪ ohhhh ♪ ♪ there are many fond memories of growing up ♪ ♪ talkin' and actin' the fool ♪ ♪ but my favourite days were spent in bed ♪ ♪ stayin' home from school ♪ ♪ my mom would bring me soup and games ♪ ♪ she was the best mom I ever had ♪ ♪ I would have preferred lyin' on the couch ♪ ♪ but that was occupied by my dad ♪ this is for the big one -- the grand prize of seven accordions and a box of matches! Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Dalton humphreys to say this word. "extra". And go! All right, dalton. If I buy a dozen nails from you and you give me 13, that one is... ... Mistake. No, it's also... ... Profit margin. If you give someone more than they ask for, you give a little... ... Bit of my dignity. Let's try a different way. Um... If you get someone to pay more than they should, you make... ... Me happy. But you're charging them... ... Whatever they're stupid enough to pay. We're running out of time. These are the dumbesanswers. I agreed to play the stupid game. Thinking will cost you extra. Yeah! What? Extra? Ohhh! This week on "handyman corner", we'll do something practical -- show you how to improve your gas mileage, or how to improve your car's gas mileage. The secret is making a few adjustments under here, so let's pop the hood open. Ohhh... Man! Green doughnuts. Would that be mint? (sniffing) no! (coughing) oh I remember, yeah -- that time we were working on the boathouse at stinky's and I got a soaker. Should be another one. Yeah, yeah, yeah... No... There we go. All right, let's get down on the gas mileage. Wait a sec. Oh boy! Oh my gosh! Where the heck is that thing? "prince charles marries diana." hope that works out. Oh, look here always good to have chain in the car. Winter-time -- you never know, you might need to be towed or something. All right, I'll just pop the hood open here. Oh, man! Who would put a greasy rag under the seat? Wait, it's a map of manitoba. Well for gosh sakes! Ha! Been looking for this nine-iron all season. If I can find a three-wood for this one, I'm in business. Well you know, gonna be tuning up the car so... We'll need some tools. Might as well get the snow tires out. (grunting) I put 'em on all four -- safety first. (grunting) no, wait, now. This one's got a zing in 'er. I'll put that aside. Could do with a 5th tire... Oh, for gosh sakes. (grunting) that's better. (grunting) these will come in handy for changing the tires. I'm glad I hung on to 'em. We didn't get around to adjusting the carburetor, but we solved the mileage problem just by lowering the weight we're carrying. I thought I had to replace the shocks, but that straightened itself out, too. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Man, I'm glad I didn't buy a bigger car. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. You teenagers seem confused by banking machines. They got 'em in malls, department stores, even in liquor stores, which is begging for trouble. You're under the false impression that whenever your parents need money, they walk up to a machine with a bank card and get more. Before you can take money out, you gotta put money in on a previous occasion. There's not some money-printing press in there, or a giant bin that forks over cash to anybody smart enough to know their p.I.N. Number. It's not a bottomless pit of cash that lets you spend whatever you want. For that, you need one of these -- a credit card. Well bad news the high school reunion committee invited roger mugridge and stephanie ven der shovel these two did so well in school, it makes you barf. I'm talking valedictorians and class president and cheerleader and captain of the football team... They didn't understand what high school's about, as far as I'm concerned. When they graduated, they were voted the couple most likely to succeed, and they moved away, which was an excellent first step. They're coming to the reunion -- mr. And mrs. Perfect -- is that depressing enough? Half the women said they're not coming. The others are trying face-lifts with duct tape. I couldn't care less. (laughing) you reading something funny or did the medication kick in? (audience laughing) I'm reading a yearbook -- your yearbook. I got to the picture of you in high school. Look, that's you. You are completely gormless. You are without gorm. You, sir, are gorm-free. (laughing) no wonder you grew a beard to hide that chin. Look at the teeth on him! You know who you look like? What do I lo like? (audience laughing) (whimpering) no, don't! I don't want to look like you! You can grow the beard! I don't want to grow the beard! (crying) I said, "no, honey, don'get up. 'll go get it." you should have seen her face. Mind you, I had no clue where it was, but it w worth it to see her face. Thank you, mr. Humphreys. All righty, uncle red, would you please approach the podium? Harold. All right, my name is red and I'm a man. (all): Hi, red! Been about three weeks since I did a guy thing of any significance. Went out shopping for furniture with bernice, something I don't ordinarily do. If I do go, I'm as miserable as you can be. This time, I tried to improve my attitude. We're looking for a couch. I picked one, a brown one. It had ducks all over it. You can't get more comfortable than sitting on something brown that's covered with ducks. It had a recliner built right into the couch. The piece of resistance was a drink holder in the unit. And by golly! But I gotta tell you, she was ugly, all right? Big -- big and ugly. So I just backed off. I let bernice pick one. She got a little thing she called a love seat. Not a speck of brown near it. More of a peach, really, but it will get browner as it gets older. And I'm making the best of it on that unit. I'm finding that the cushions are sewn on, so you don't lose the t.V. Remote. And I spilled a whole bottle of taco sauce on there, and here's the best part -- the stain looks just like a duck. (audience laughing) (red): Part two of three on "adventures with bill". Doing the weight-lifting. This is the "before" look -- I hope so. I don't want to look before, after, or during. Oh, stop it! All right, he's, uh... I think you got too much weight... On both ends of the bar and also around the middle of yourself. Take some weights off. You want to start smaller. You gotta crawl before you walk and run. Maybe you took too much off... You took too much! You took too much, uh... Took too much weight off that. Yeah... All right. Out what bill decides to do now is to check out his muscle tone. Uh... Not great, not great. Eats a lot of pasta, I think. So bill gets into almost a military approach. You gotta get yourself into some kind of physical condition. Don't start trying to lift weights. You'll hurt yourself badly. So bill is doing... Would these be called push-ups? He gets into the sit-ups. There's a whole regimen of exercises you can do and you get yourself into fine physical condition. You need to do the exercise and get plenty of rest. I'm doing half of it. We'll come back when bill's done the other half. Come on, bill. One chin-up! One chin-up! A viewer sent this beverage container for mixed drinks. Our highschool reunion has turned into a wake. Now that roger and stephanie are coming nobody else wants to be here. We're embarrassed about being old and fat and hairless. Generaly speaking, nature's has not been kind to the residents of possum lake and vice versa what's with the big vegetables? You mean moose thompson and his sister? No, the wheelbarrow full of cabbages bernice was supposed to make enough cole-slaw for 60, but now nobody's coming so... I'll tell you why. Because they're intimidated by roger's and stephanie's looks. Tanned, wrinkle-free, trim bodies, excellent hair-cuts... You think so? Oh, yeahhhhh! Success has a certain look, you know? Style -- can't compete with that... Not that you can't compete with that. If you were wealthy and successful and took care of yourself and moved to where there was an economy, you'd be as well-groomed as they are. You're saying we're losers here? 'cause you would know. No, no, no. I'm saying there's lots to be proud of. The people who stayed here made a valid choice. There's many things that you guys have that roger and stephanie just don't. Could you name one of those many things? (audience laughing) yeah, I could! I could show off. You know which one comes to mind? No. Either do I. But I know... You got really, really great... Cabbages. Ahhhhh! (red): Here we are for r final segment of the "adventures with bill". Bill's all pumped up. Look at the weight. Got a couple of tire rims on. He's gotta psych himself up. Bill, you're-- oh, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's... That's macho. If I was those weights, I'd be so... Yeah... Bored. Come on, bill, up she comes! Come on, bring 'er up! Up she comes! Come on, you clean jerk! Get it up there! There we go! All right, easy, easy! Take it easy! Come on! Hey! Hey! Can you hold 'er for 30 seconds? Come on, bill -- that's two. Ok, that's, uh, three. That's three-- no, I said three. Oh! Bill, she's starting to go! Oh, my gosh! He did that the first time in grade 4. The whole class had to go home. Bill, something's popped out. You gotta wear the belt, kids. I'll push that back... Well... Ok. Bill, we need everything pushed in. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Have to wear bigger shirts. He's getting 'er... Ok, he's getting himself... She's coming out the back. Bill, she's coming out the back. I'll push it in. If we could only get-- well, look at this! Maybe he's not so dumb after all. The thing with muscles, once you get 'em started, you pump, pump and... We're gonna pump you up, eh, bill? Come on, pump up! Wow! Wow! Holy smoke! (laughing) boy, bill, you're pumped! Can he take the pressure? No! Welcome to the expert portio where we examine those three words that men find so difficulto say... (audience): "I don't know!" joining my uncle red is his best friend in the room, septic sewage sucker winston rothschild! (applause and cheering) if it's burpin' instead of slurpin', call winston to get 'er chirpin'. Whoo! All righty! "dear experts, how can I get the job of my dreams?" oh good an easy one dream small. Once you get tho expectations low enough, life is a bowl of cherries. Well, red, I think that's good advice, except for the advice part. I think your viewer needs to be referred to a person I refer to all the time, and that is self-help guru and real estate millionaire anthony anthony. Anthony anthony's latest set of motivational tapes, "how to get rich selling audio cassettes", is living proof that if you go out there and get your career, nothing can stop you. I can't believe you ended up in the sewage and septic sucking business I just followed my dream. (audience laughing) you dreamt that? (laughing and applause) I'm glad I don't have to make his bed. I'm just saying... (laughing and applause) harold, it's not like I dream while I'm sleeping. This is a daydream thing. I do it in the day and... ... At night and... Well, in the evening, mainly. Because, as anthony says so succinctly on side "b" of cassette 14, series 2, he says... Life is like a journey in a car. If you visualize your route, you don't waste gas and end up in pittsburgh. I've heard of this -- many sports athletes use it. Visualize, visualize -- many professional bowlers and jai alai players use it. (audience laughing) I visualize my career all the time. I imagine myself knee-deep in success. (audience laughing) that's what's on the hip-waders, is it, winston? That's the sweet smell of success stinging my eyes? Here's the thing, though. Once you visualize your vision, then you gotta go out there and get after it. Because... Well, take anthony anthony. He visualized he'd make lots of money off audio cassettes. Who were the people responsible? You and people like you. I want to buy a set. There's the sorry truth right there. (laughing and applause) (laughing and cheering) well... (cheering and whistling) I had a great time at the high school reunion. Turns out, roger and stephanie weren't that intimidating. They were as old and fat and wrinkled as us. Uncle red, you look different. Younger, do you think? Do you mean like immature? Well, harold, I think, generally, people were impressed at how successful I look. Did they actually say that? No, but there was lots of staring. I could hear the whispers. (audience laughing) maybe I'm not all that successful but at least I accept myself the way I am, and I'm proud of that. Your hat's fitting funny. No, my hat's fine. You know what-- what? Leave me alone. You're wearing a toupee! Wearing a toupee! Wearing a toupee! Look, it's a toupee! (laughing and applause) that's definitely a toupee! Oh! A ghost! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! That's so great! Aunt bernice can run her fingers through your hair without you being there! (possum squeal) meeting time. Away you go. I'm gonna "rug" along-- run along! (laughing) (laughing) well... If my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. While I was at the high school, I looked at my locker. Our initials inside the heart were rubbed off, but still smelled like egg sandwiches and the bullet holes were there. The rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the gang, thanks for watching and keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): Meeting time! Take your seats! Take your seats! Stand up! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): What you got, harold? (harold): It's been announced that the fun fair's on, but we're making some changes. Doc martin suggested we tie off one end of the bungee cord. We have another book coming out -- "red green talks cars: A love story." it's available through possum lodge and through your local book reiler. Closed captions premier subtitli inc. Boy, this is too much!